just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
