paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
