My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
