Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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