Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
His nipple licking is glorious
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