just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
