he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
being pregnant is like rehab
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
