you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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