Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
