I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
he's single and there are thong briefs.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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