Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
