i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
