so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
