So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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