I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
