I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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