Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
