It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize