I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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