i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My vagina is officially offended.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
