everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
