I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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