do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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