OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
