I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
