I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
