we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
