God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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