I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
