I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize