I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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