I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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