M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
