I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
