im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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