I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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