that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
