If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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