Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
All the doctor said was why
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
