you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
