youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
There's always time for handjobs
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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