I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize