rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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