i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
