But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
