: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
