He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
