george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
