At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
