Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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