I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
