i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
