OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
