a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Even my vagina gasped.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
