OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
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