you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
