Its about making memories worth repressing
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Randomize
